B is for Babies

I love babies.  I have always loved babies.  I love the newborn stage when they are helpless, and completely reliant on your nurturing and caring and loving.  I love breastfeeding, and I really don't understand anyone who doesn't.  

When Harry was born, I was scared of doing the wrong thing that I don't think I really appreciated how precious he was.  I was always wanting him to hurry up and crawl, then hurry up and walk..... I loved him, of course, and I totally enjoyed breastfeeding him, but I also tended to stick to a bit of a routine, which isn't always bad I guess.  When he was 13 months old I introduced a bottle of CIAC, to help him sleep through the night.... what an idiot I was.  It wasn't long before he refused the breast and only took bottles, although because of his age I only gave him one a night before bed, and I eventually it was cow's milk, not CIAC.

When Charlie arrived, I was more relaxed in some ways, and as a result (I like to think) he is a very calm, and laid back child.  When Charlie was about 6 months old I was due to go back to Uni, and I panicked.  I didn't want to be away from the boys.  I was terrified that something would happen to me and I would never get to see them again.  Whenever I left them I actually had the sensation of my arms detaching from my body...weird I know.  I was diagnosed with PND, and that and the restarting of smoking cut my breastfeeding relationship with Charlie to just 10 months.  Eventually he hated the taste and he refused and went onto CIAC full time.  

When Matilda came along, I was much better.  I had finished my degree, and I felt great.  We had a wonderful breastfeeding relationship, despite a slight tongue-tie, and I fed her on demand, and often fed her to sleep.  The only thing I didn't get a chance to do was co-sleep, and I wish I had because I missed out o that with all of the kids.  Matilda decided to wean herself at 14 months, and I was heart broken.  I had planned to feed her until well over her second birthday, but it just wasn't to be.  She never had a bottle though, after that, she just drank milk from a cup.

I carried all of the children when they were babies, progressing from the Baby Bjorn (how did I ever cope), to my most favourite ring sling and pouch with Matilda.  I also got depressed when she decided she no longer wanted to be carried, but wanted to walk.

A friend at school is having an elective CS on Friday (medical reasons of course) and I am really starting to feel anxious, and envious that an just 3 days she will be holding a beautiful new daughter, and I am jealous as hell.  I am going to see that baby everyday to school, and it is going to break my heart.  I am unbelievably grateful for the beautiful children I have.  They are happy, healthy and extremely intelligent, but I still feel like I have not completed our family.  

In this current economical climate there is little chance of me talking Mick into another child, so I am really trying to be happy, but it is so hard.