The start of a new lifestyle
After weeks, months, years of abusing my body I have decided to make a conscious choice about what goes into it. First a little history, it might help me sort things out too.
I have always been a big girl. I can't remember when it first became obvious, but probably around 1982 when I was about 7 years old. From then until high school I remember knowing I was bigger than the other girls, but I didn't really worry about it. When I went to high school I knew that I was fat, I was certainly told often enough by some of the boys, but I still had friends and boyfriends so I still didn't care all that much. In 1993 I fell off my mother's horse and I really hurt my hip. At that point I realised I was just enormous and it definitely made recovery harder. I was also a pretty good hockey player, but I was always stuck at Full-back because I could run and I certainly wasn't fit enough to play anywhere else.
That year my Mum and I decided to start a program run at the Lithgow Hospital called Weight Control. It involved assigning a point value to certain food, not unlike Weight Watchers. I dropped from about 78kgs to 66kgs. That was the lowest I had ever been.
In 1996 I started University at Richmond as part of my Traineeship with Delta Electricity. I was 64kgs when I moved onto campus. By August 1997 I had become a smoker, and gained a boyfriend and 14kgs. I saw a picture of myself taken by a friend and I was absolutely mortified, but still I didn't do anything until an incident which cause me a great deal of stress. One weekend, when I was minding my parents farm, our German Shepherd, Samantha was hit by a train not far from our house. My younger brother, Kyle and I searched for hours before we found her. She never ran away from the house, but she seemed to know that Mum and Ray weren't home and she was left alone long enough to wander off. When I found her she was still alive, but she had lost a front leg and a back leg. She was a mess. I carried her off the tracks and we finally got her to the vet where they put her to sleep. I couldn't get hold of Mum and I was devastated to have to tell her. Anyway, the point of this was that I couldn't eat. I was so racked with guilt that I just couldn't eat. I didn't eat properly for about 3 weeks, and then I couldn't face meat. I decided to be vegetarian at that time. When I got back to University after the semester break I had lost 5kgs. Then I realised that if I didn't eat, I would lose weight really quickly. My days were generally spent sleeping, smoking and avoiding the dining hall as much as possible. If I did go, I had a small dinner roll, and a small bit of salad. By the time I finished uni that year I had dropped from 78kgs to 57kgs.
I returned to work in 1998, but I realised I couldn't avoid food all the time, and certainly couldn't sleep most of the day away, so I started throwing up. I wasn't bulimic because I wasn't bingeing before hand, but if I ate too much I got rid of it. This behaviour continued for the next three years. I don't think my family or Mick knew it was still happening when I had moved to Kurrajong to start my Nursing Degree in 1999, and it didn't stop until I fell pregnant in 2000.
I then realised that I couldn't continue this way, because I would harm my baby, so I stopped smoking and I started eating........everything in sight. I ended up putting on 32kgs while pregnant with Harry. After he was born I struggled with my weight again, but I had gotten back down to 66kgs when I fell pregnant with Charlie in 2002. The day before he was born in 2003, I weighed 99kgs. I was enormous. I was hot (Charlie was born in January), and I was depressed. In July of 2003 I was supposed to go back to uni and I had placements to do. I was so afraid to leave the children that I started skipping classes and going to the library to hide until it was time to go home. I was diagnosed with PND and I started taking AD's. In April 2004 I started Weight Watchers and by September I had gone from 80kgs to 60kgs. In November 2004 I started my last placement of my degree, and in the first week I discovered I was pregnant again. This time I managed my weight until about 25 weeks and then I ballooned again. By the time Matilda was born I weighed 90kgs.
So now, over two years later I weigh more than I ever have, when not pregnant. I am tired of feeling hot, lethargic and depressed. I am tired of having constipation or diarrhoea and I am tired of being unfit and unhealthy. I am NOT going on a diet, I am making a conscious decision to not put crap into my body, and I finally feel that I ready to take control of my life. I want a strong healthy body that will keep me going for my children and my family. I am aware of my problems and I have to take the necessary steps to prevent a relapse into ED related thinking. I want to be toned, but I know that the damage I have done to my stomach will not be fixed. I am going to do all I possibly can, and then see whether I am happy with the results. I have no time frame, because I am changing my life NOT dieting. So there it is. I have been a classic yo-yo dieter in the past but I am not going down that path again. I am strong and I am determined.....for my children and, most importantly, for me.
I have always been a big girl. I can't remember when it first became obvious, but probably around 1982 when I was about 7 years old. From then until high school I remember knowing I was bigger than the other girls, but I didn't really worry about it. When I went to high school I knew that I was fat, I was certainly told often enough by some of the boys, but I still had friends and boyfriends so I still didn't care all that much. In 1993 I fell off my mother's horse and I really hurt my hip. At that point I realised I was just enormous and it definitely made recovery harder. I was also a pretty good hockey player, but I was always stuck at Full-back because I could run and I certainly wasn't fit enough to play anywhere else.
That year my Mum and I decided to start a program run at the Lithgow Hospital called Weight Control. It involved assigning a point value to certain food, not unlike Weight Watchers. I dropped from about 78kgs to 66kgs. That was the lowest I had ever been.
In 1996 I started University at Richmond as part of my Traineeship with Delta Electricity. I was 64kgs when I moved onto campus. By August 1997 I had become a smoker, and gained a boyfriend and 14kgs. I saw a picture of myself taken by a friend and I was absolutely mortified, but still I didn't do anything until an incident which cause me a great deal of stress. One weekend, when I was minding my parents farm, our German Shepherd, Samantha was hit by a train not far from our house. My younger brother, Kyle and I searched for hours before we found her. She never ran away from the house, but she seemed to know that Mum and Ray weren't home and she was left alone long enough to wander off. When I found her she was still alive, but she had lost a front leg and a back leg. She was a mess. I carried her off the tracks and we finally got her to the vet where they put her to sleep. I couldn't get hold of Mum and I was devastated to have to tell her. Anyway, the point of this was that I couldn't eat. I was so racked with guilt that I just couldn't eat. I didn't eat properly for about 3 weeks, and then I couldn't face meat. I decided to be vegetarian at that time. When I got back to University after the semester break I had lost 5kgs. Then I realised that if I didn't eat, I would lose weight really quickly. My days were generally spent sleeping, smoking and avoiding the dining hall as much as possible. If I did go, I had a small dinner roll, and a small bit of salad. By the time I finished uni that year I had dropped from 78kgs to 57kgs.
I returned to work in 1998, but I realised I couldn't avoid food all the time, and certainly couldn't sleep most of the day away, so I started throwing up. I wasn't bulimic because I wasn't bingeing before hand, but if I ate too much I got rid of it. This behaviour continued for the next three years. I don't think my family or Mick knew it was still happening when I had moved to Kurrajong to start my Nursing Degree in 1999, and it didn't stop until I fell pregnant in 2000.
I then realised that I couldn't continue this way, because I would harm my baby, so I stopped smoking and I started eating........everything in sight. I ended up putting on 32kgs while pregnant with Harry. After he was born I struggled with my weight again, but I had gotten back down to 66kgs when I fell pregnant with Charlie in 2002. The day before he was born in 2003, I weighed 99kgs. I was enormous. I was hot (Charlie was born in January), and I was depressed. In July of 2003 I was supposed to go back to uni and I had placements to do. I was so afraid to leave the children that I started skipping classes and going to the library to hide until it was time to go home. I was diagnosed with PND and I started taking AD's. In April 2004 I started Weight Watchers and by September I had gone from 80kgs to 60kgs. In November 2004 I started my last placement of my degree, and in the first week I discovered I was pregnant again. This time I managed my weight until about 25 weeks and then I ballooned again. By the time Matilda was born I weighed 90kgs.
So now, over two years later I weigh more than I ever have, when not pregnant. I am tired of feeling hot, lethargic and depressed. I am tired of having constipation or diarrhoea and I am tired of being unfit and unhealthy. I am NOT going on a diet, I am making a conscious decision to not put crap into my body, and I finally feel that I ready to take control of my life. I want a strong healthy body that will keep me going for my children and my family. I am aware of my problems and I have to take the necessary steps to prevent a relapse into ED related thinking. I want to be toned, but I know that the damage I have done to my stomach will not be fixed. I am going to do all I possibly can, and then see whether I am happy with the results. I have no time frame, because I am changing my life NOT dieting. So there it is. I have been a classic yo-yo dieter in the past but I am not going down that path again. I am strong and I am determined.....for my children and, most importantly, for me.
Comments