P is for Parenting

I am happy to say that for the past four years, my way of parenting has changed to what I hope is better for the kids, and for me.  Two months ago I read "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn, and is has been eye opening, to say the least.

When Harry was born, I parented in a way that was, what I considered, the right way for me.  He was carried until he was 6 months old, but if we went anywhere, he was continually put to sleep in his pram, near us always, but not in arms.  He slept in a bassinet in our room for 2 months, and then a cot in his own room.  At around 12 months, when I thought he should have been sleeping through the night, I tried CIO.  I am ashamed to say that I allowed him to cry himself to sleep, because "he was learning to self-settle".  I never felt really right about it though, but I did it never the less.  He is a great sleeper now.

When my SIL had her first baby, 8 weeks before Charlie was born, I shook my head that she had taken Paige into her bed, spouting the typically misinformed "she is making a rod for her own back", and "she will never get her out", like I had visions of Paige sleeping in the family bed when she is 16.  When Charlie was born, he slept in our room until he was 3 months old, and the into his own cot in his own room.  I carried him also, but only until 4 months, because I just couldn't do it in the Baby Bjorn.  I did not let him CIO though, because it was easier to give him a little nightly feed than to sit through hours of him crying.  Eventually he spelt through and he is a great sleeper also.

When Matilda was born, I had researched different ways to parenting, and I am happy to say that I carried her until she was almost 2 years old.  By then she wanted to get down and walk everywhere.  She slept in our room for 3 months, and she was fed to sleep for almost 12 months.  Eventually she went to sleep on her own, but in her own room.  I wish I could have co-slept with her for a long time.  She was breastfed until 13 months, despite a tongue-tie, and she weaned herself at that time.  I was devastated, because I wanted to feed her well into her third year.  She is also a great sleeper.

Discipline wise, I think I was very harsh to start off with.  I used rewards and punishments to gain "control" of the kids.  I am happy to say that I very rarely smacked the kids, and I recognise that it was generally when I lost control.  Now I back away from the situation, when I feel myself losing control.  After all, why is it OK to smack a defenseless child in anger, when it is (quite rightly) assault if we strike an adult in anger.  We, as adults, have decided that our children need to be controlled and when they are not, we treat them as we would never treat another adult.  I think we need to respect our children, and treat them as we would like to be treated.  Every time I raise my voice to them I try to imagine how I would feel if an adult spoke to me that way.  Majority of times, I would feel like crap, and probably embarrassed.

I am trying to teach the children by treating them as equals.  Harry use to be a nightmare to take anywhere, but he has gotten a lot better over the past three months.  I am less concerned about what other people think of his behaviour, and just think to myself he is still a child, and is he acting like a child or misbehaving?  I am not perfect, by any account.  I still lose my cool sometimes, but I generally know that this will happen when I am busy with something else, and I don't stop and concentrate on the kids, or if I have had a full-on, busy, in-your-face kind of day, and I just need some time to myself.  That is when I try to have a bath, or go for a walk to calm down.  

I hope that doing things this way will make up for the crappy way I parented in the early days, with Harry and Charlie, and that we grow together, and develop a happy, healthy and respectful relationship, which continues on through adolescence, and into adulthood.